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Allô, allô, Bonjour!
Where last months Slurp! was a recession ridden tearjerker, this month everything is different. Fifty shades of pink! The life of a wineboer seen through Barbie glasses.
At the start of last month we finally saw the end of a long period of abundant heavenly waters.
On Tuesday the ninth of April the earth was woken by the sun's kiss and spontaneously on that day all plants burst into bloom.
We're not sure whether these colours are the latest on nature's catwalk or whether the creator is jesting about our sexual orientation, but either way all of a sudden everything is coloured pink.
We now find ourselves living in a Barbie castle.
In the vineyard too, pink shades play a lead role. Among the fresh new foliage, little baby grapes cautiously emerge from their mother's womb.
Our Vieille Vignes, the ancient grapevines, some almost a century old, have survived another winter. Groaning and grunting they rest their weary limbs in the wires. Some of them desperately cling to their supporting posts. But there's life in them yet. The vines are budding and in a few months it will be these wine veterans that will give us the very best grapes. So we don't hesitate to come to their rescue.
Here we don't make cuts to healthcare. Our beloved old boys are carefully pampered and tied to their strings with spotless white bandages.
It had been a long hard slog but when it was time for the sun to shine on the other half of humanity, all vineyard-dwellers could peacefully go to sleep.
Invasion
Napoleon already said it: "Great events cast their shadow forwards!" And indeed. As you can see on the right hand image, the life of a wineboer is ruthless and without mercy. And as if it wasn't bad enough already, an alarming phone call snatches us roughly from our labour:
the Germans are coming!
In all our euphoria about our new Barbie life style, it had slipped our minds that we will be visited by a delegation of a large German wine import firm. We have exactly zwei Stunden to put together a Blitzlunch!
The wineboer's lover flings herself onto the saddle of her bike with great urgency and rattles down the hill, all engines roaring.
But, when the Mercedes tyres come squeaking up the castle gravel we're ready for battle. Wollt ihr den totalen Wein?
The initial conversation seems a little strained. But then the wineboer makes an attempt to break the ice. He jumps up on his chair and, holding a pocket comb under his nose, gives a remarkably accurate impression of Germany's most famous head of state.
In the well known dictatorial tone of voice he rants with rolling r's about grape-races, totally oblivious to the urgent messages that the lady of the manor sends to him via her body language.
When he calms down an awkward silence descends over the table. Chateau-manager Bence hangs his head over his plate with a deep sigh, in his mind's eye he sees 20.000 bottles of Château la Tulipe go down the drain.
But, when the eternally optimistic wineboer mistress conjures up the Plateau de Fromages, the mood improves visibly. In the background we see how Hauptmanweinkaufer Jorg projects his urge to throttle the wineboer onto a tepid bottle of Slurp.
After the fromage follows a potent piece of Apfeltorte with Erdbehren und Sekt and sure enough, in spite of the wineboer's outlandish antics, the 20.000 bottles are back on the negotiation table!
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After the Teutonic équipe has departed, the wineboer is all set to get going on the dishes.
Pleased with his trans-border sales hit he quietly hums a fragment from 'Alle Menschen werden Bruder'. Then his song breaks off abruptly: the castle sink refuses to drain. Bad timing because the kitchen counter is entirely taken up by an expanse of dishes of industrial looking magnitude.
What is more, the wineboer is faced with this catastrophe all by himself: the lady of the manor, after her impressive culinary and diplomatic achievements, has taken a break. Leisure time that she nonetheless spends on yet another task: the digital recording of plant after plant of our illicit grape plantation.
Inwardly muttering German expletives, the wineboer takes a look at the natural drain behind the chateau. There appears to be nothing wrong. The affliction is rooted more deeply.
Somewhere far beneath the castle's foundations there must be a blocked pipe. There is no other option. The floor under the chateau shed will have to be taken up.
After six hours of hard labour and three coke bottles full of sweat, the culprit has been located. A cork has burrowed into the castle drain. And worse than that, a cork belonging to the competition! A lesson learnt; groaning with back pain the wineboer makes a solemn promise; from this point forward to only ever drink Bordeaux.
Unwanted growth
Selling more wine is great. But that wine has to be produced first. On the other hand: the wineboer is opposed to economic growth. After all, that leads to nothing but worries and recklessness. He is of the opinion that it's freedom that forms the basis of true happiness. But how wonderful, in his new Barbie world this problem dissolves by itself.
Friend, mayor and fellow-wine maker Alain is approaching pensionable age and is planning to take it a little slower. He is therefore keen to sell a part of his vineyards.
As Napoleon Bonaparte said: "Our neighbours' land will only be for sale once." So yes, no, hm....this seems a natural way to expand the wine production on a modest scale. Une offre, in short, on peut pas refuser...
Cliquez ici and visit our possible prospective vineyard (Cliquez on the image below)
Our queen, whom we shall never ever refer to as princess because she will always be our queen, toasts with her own wine Russia's number one enemy of the state. You can see Putin privately chuckle: 'Haha, that bimbo holds her glass like a gorilla'.
But what this wretched chav among presidents does not know, is that our queen is the only person in the world that is allowed to hold her glass like that. In strict keeping with protocol. Good on you, sweet legend queen! That you may drink many a glass of La Tulipe Royale!
Cuvee Trois Milleis a very rare red Bordeaux wine of the highest standard, of the best year of the decade: 2009.
Only 3000 bottles have been produced, supervised by
Michel Rolland, the world's best wine maker.
The name has been printed in 18 carat gold directly on to the bottle.
Finally,
Château la Tulipe
de la Garde 2010
est arrivé.
